©copyrighted,mel terry,12/8/13
Mel wants a baby. She's being thinking about it for almost a year now so it's not a snap decision. Mel's broody as hell, and she want's a lil baby bump of her own. Which is heart breaking really. At the weight she is now, not only are her chances of conceiving incredibly small, there would also be a lot of possible complications. It's hard to put into words just how down Mel and I have been feeling about this lately. It's unsurprising really. She's 26, she lives with her boyfriend, and every time she logs on to facebook she's bombarded with images of her friends cute children. Her friends have just had a little bouncing baby boy. Her boyfriends sister is currently pregnant, and all Mel can do is watch these people's beautiful baby bump belly's grow until it's time to release the little miracle inside. It's eating her up inside, knowing that as it is, this won't be happening anytime soon.
People have many reasons to lose weight. For health, to fit into clothes, for cosmetic reasons. Mel's is certainly now to start a family. She's been hiding from it for a long time, and shushing down her inner maternal side. She's being doing such a good job of it that even I didn't know she was desperate to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, when I finally got it out of her I held her so close as she wept on my shoulder, and I wept on her's. It would be easy to point the judgemental finger of blame at this point, but frankly, it's not necessary. She knows she's to blame, and the dark murky feeling of self loathing is currently lurking in the put of her stomach, twentyfour seven. It's awful.
Her parents visited the other day, and they were discussing an old rocking chair her mother had when she was a child. Mel used to sit in it at her grandmas, and when Mel has children they will sit in it too. It's silly isn't it, all those maternal feelings being quashed and pushed down for so long surfacing over something so silly as an old childs rocking chair? But it happened none the less, and Mel started picturing her offspring sitting in it, rocking back and forth in front of the tv. Or rocking their dolls to sleep in it, as she did herself when she was barely more than a baby. She then thought of night feeds, and playing on the floor with crayons and paints with this miracle child.
It was truly gut wrenching to sit there as she sobbed her eyes out on the living room floor, coming to terms with the fact that regardless of whether her and her boyfriend decided it was time, something had to be done otherwise it may never happen. I love my Mel to pieces, and all I want is for her to be happy. If she want's to be a mummy, then I will do anything in my power to make that happen, and whilst she is currently wallowing in self pity, she's also not straying from her diet and comfort eating. This itself is a sign of how serious she is about this. Usually, feeling like this she's head out and buy chocolate and knock herself sick with it. This is an entirely different type of self loathing that I have never ever felt emanate from Mel before. Her eyes seem harder when she looks in the mirror. Like a shutter of steely determination has fallen over her eyes. I should be pleased, but it almost scares me, I don't want her to hate herself. Never wanted that. I want her to love herself. Like I do. Like the children I know she's going to have in time will love her. Mel will be such an awesome Mum. it makes my throat ache from holding back the tears knowing that she hates herself so much. I can only hope that in time she will lose the weight, see her size coming down, and realise she will be a Mummy. Lets face it, I can think of no greater reward at the end of her weight loss journey than Motherhood. So i'm here for her, to wipe away her tears, lay a hand on her shoulder and know that whatever she's doing, she's not alone. Together we're gonna lose 10 stone, its a start, and maybe then she will be able to achieve her dream.
©copyrighted,mel terry,12/8/13
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