Chapter 8 - Motherhood, only a dream.

©copyrighted,mel terry,12/8/13
Mel wants a baby. She's being thinking about it for almost a year now so it's not a snap decision. Mel's broody as hell, and she want's a lil baby bump of her own. Which is heart breaking really. At the weight she is now, not only are her chances of conceiving incredibly small, there would also be a lot of possible complications. It's hard to put into words just how down Mel and I have been feeling about this lately. It's unsurprising really. She's 26, she lives with her boyfriend, and every time she logs on to facebook she's bombarded with images of her friends  cute children. Her friends have just had a little bouncing baby boy. Her boyfriends sister is currently pregnant, and all Mel can do is watch these people's beautiful baby bump belly's grow until it's time to release the little miracle inside. It's eating her up inside, knowing that as it is, this won't be happening anytime soon.
      People have many reasons to lose weight. For health, to fit into clothes, for cosmetic reasons. Mel's is certainly now to start a family. She's been hiding from it for a long time, and shushing down her inner maternal side. She's being doing such a good job of it that even I didn't know she was desperate to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, when I finally got it out of her I held her so close as she wept on my shoulder, and I wept on her's. It would be easy to point the judgemental finger of blame at this point, but frankly, it's not necessary. She knows she's to blame, and the dark murky feeling of self loathing is currently lurking in the put of her stomach, twentyfour seven. It's awful.  
      Her parents visited the other day, and they were discussing an old rocking chair her mother had when she was a child. Mel used to sit in it at her grandmas, and when Mel has children they will sit in it too. It's silly isn't it, all those maternal feelings being quashed and pushed down for so long surfacing over something so silly as an old childs rocking chair? But it happened none the less, and Mel started picturing her offspring sitting in it, rocking back and forth in front of the tv. Or rocking their dolls to sleep in it, as she did herself when she was barely more than a baby. She then thought of night feeds, and playing on the floor with crayons and paints with this miracle child.
      It was truly gut wrenching to sit there as she sobbed her eyes out on the living room floor, coming to terms with the fact that regardless of whether her and her boyfriend decided it was time, something had to be done otherwise it may never happen. I love my Mel to pieces, and all I want is for her to be happy. If she want's to be a mummy, then I will do anything in my power to make that happen, and whilst she is currently wallowing in self pity, she's also not straying from her diet and comfort eating. This itself is a sign of how serious she is about this. Usually, feeling like this she's head out and buy chocolate and knock herself sick with it. This is an entirely different type of self loathing that I have never ever felt emanate from Mel before. Her eyes seem harder when she looks in the mirror. Like a shutter of steely determination has fallen over her eyes. I should be pleased, but it almost scares me, I don't want her to hate herself. Never wanted that. I want her to love herself. Like I do. Like the children I know she's going to have in time will love her. Mel will be such an awesome Mum. it makes my throat ache from holding back the tears knowing that she hates herself so much. I can only hope that in time she will lose the weight, see her size coming down, and realise she will be a Mummy. Lets face it, I can think of no greater reward at the end of her weight loss journey than Motherhood. So i'm here for her, to wipe away her tears, lay a hand on her shoulder and know that whatever she's doing, she's not alone. Together we're gonna lose 10 stone, its a start, and maybe then she will be able to achieve her dream.

©copyrighted,mel terry,12/8/13

Chapter 1 - Introductions

©copyrighted,mel terry,1/7/13

Yesterday was Friday. She loves Fridays, I'd even go as far as saying she looks forward to it all week. Personally, I don't like Fridays. I always feel I work harder on a Friday, and that work is always ignored. Honestly, I feel like I could scream myself mute and stomp my feet and she'd walk straight past me without the batting of an eyelid. I suppose I should be used to it by now, her stomach churning indifference to me, but i'm not, and it still annoys the hell out of me when she ignores me like that. Hurts too.

Meet Mel, she's your average 26 year old woman. She knows what she likes and sticks to her guns. I admire that quality so much in her, I've even replicated it in aspects of my own personality. When she was younger she was a blonde haired, blue eyed angel, now she's a black haired, blue eyed, tattooed and pierced demon! Yet I love the bones of her for it. She listens to the same music as me, a pure rock and roll chick, and she's that rare type of nerdy that is not only endearing but also contradictory cool. She makes me laugh, despite her sense of humour being cutting and some what unladylike, she never fails to make me cry laughing. To say she's the apple of my eye would be an understatement, everything I do I do for her. Yet there are days I think she doesn't know I exist. There are also days when I know she knows I'm here but chooses to ignore me. Like Fridays. I think Fridays are the only day I truly resent her. If she would open her eyes and ears to me things could be so much different. Instead I'm always in the shadows. Watching. Waiting. Ready to pounce when her guards down.

Mel's beautiful. Sometimes, when I'm watching her put on her make up in the bathroom mirror, I feel overwhelmed with sadness that she can't see the beauty in herself. Her eyes are stunning, a shade of blue that seems to change dependant on mood and sparkles when she's excited about something. Her hair is long, beautifully thick and as black as a moonless night. Yet she hates it, and usually just wears it up in a scruffy top knot. God, if I could just get my hands on it for ten minutes I could style it into something so beautiful she'd love her thick hair, instead of cursing it and feeling envious of those with fine hair. Her lips are amazing, I love it when she puts on her cherry red lipstick. It suits her so much, the white crystal lip stud she wears sparkles in the light and draws attention to those beautiful lips. She also has traditional ear piercings, a purple scaffold piercing running through her left ear and ear tunnels in both ears. Both tunnels are at 10mm, lady like, yet totally bad ass. When she decided to get those I jumped for joy, not that she saw me.

The trouble with Mel is that she's a big girl. Always has been, and when I say big I mean big. When I last sneaked a peek at her scales she was topping 25 stone, and I know that's what stops her from seeing the beauty I see when she looks in the mirror.

I know she can do this. She's so much stronger than she thinks. I just need to find away of helping her. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've needed to be subtle, move in slow yet hard, gain her trust before she'd see me and listen to me. Even now she knows and trusts me she still suffers from selective deafness..and blindness. Honestly, she can be infuriating at times, but I put up with it all because I love her more than she'll ever know, and I also know she's going through a lot right now. She's off work right now with depression and anxiety issues. She also has pretty severe insomnia. The latter I've used to my advantage, got up real close in the middle of the night while her boyfriend slept soundly beside her, and whispered into her ear. Whispered sweet nothings, whispered ideas and generally motivated her. Slowly but surely she started to listen to my words. Getting her to that point was the hardest part, but she slowly opened up to me, and despite occasional slip ups, which I need to accept seeing as she's only human, I think she may have cracked it.

By this point I'm sure your wondering who I am and how I know so much about this girl. My girl. My beautiful Mel. Well, please allow me to introduce myself. Which, to be honest,  would be a whole lot easier if I  actually had a name to tell you. Who am I? Simple. I'm the thin girl inside Mel, and together Mel and I are going to take on the world.

Buckle up. I anticipate a bumpy ride.